I am going…

Although my friends were very nice to offer to accompany me to see a priest regarding my present predicament, I still decided to go and see a counsellor at Family Life Society first.

I finally made the call yesterday. I made an appointment to see the counsellor some time next week. At first, I had wanted to have the counselling at my own parish, but I thought not. Better to have it on ‘neutral’ ground.

However, with this decision also means that I will need to pay for my session. It goes by the hour. I did not know that, but I was willing to pay. If it was going to give me at least some answers and a peace of mind, I will pay.

This would be considered my second last hope. My last would be to go to the priests. Don’t ask me why, but I am afraid to go to them. Perhaps it is because some of them frown upon such issues. I don’t really blame them for they are living by their principles of following God’s laws.

I am weary but I will move on, for God is with me all along.

The Lord provides

My last day of work is officially 15th of May. Technically speaking, I am still in the workforce as I will be working part-time for this same organisation that I have been at for the last 7 years and 5 months.

Nevertheless, I could not help but feel a little ‘lost’ at the fact that my income will be greatly decreased and that I would have to live a much simpler life than before. In a way, it is good for I have been overspending for many years now. Previously, in some other life (figure of speech, really), I had to scringe and save and when I managed to get my monetary freedom again, I just went a little out of control. I bought things that I already had or things that I did not really need. It is time I think about Mother Earth too and not waste too much.

Just when I felt a little desperate, my friend and colleague comes along to lend a hand. She referred me to another former colleague of hers so that I may be able to get another job. Then there was also the papers today. I do not buy English papers. My parents subscribe to the Chinese one. This morning, I had asked my Dad to drop me off at the office after breakfast so that I could submit some reports that were due.

In my rush to fill my hunger in the morning, I had forgotten to take my ezylink card. I had to use cash. I did not have loose change and therefore decided to buy the The Straits Times to get myself some coins to take the short bus ride home.

Somehow I feel that God had a hand in this for today’s papers had a lot of information about the schools that I was looking for to take up my pre-school education diploma in. There were also ads about schools that specially teach one to teach children with autism (which I am interested in). Maybe they periodically have such ads but I don’t usually buy the English papers, you see. I am really happy for they are now actively recruiting new students and have many course preview events for me to attend.

I feel blessed. In a way, I feel that the Lord has heard my prayers and again, I am thankful. I just feel that God shows his little miracles in such ways that I can continue to give Him thanks. I am beyond words but still, I feel that I need to pen this down even though His greatness can never be fully described in words.

My personal prayer for couples preparing for marriage

Dear Lord,

Bless my friend, who is going through the marriage preparation course. May she have the wisdom and courage to go through the entire course with her future partner. May they be able to talk and work through things and issues.

She is optimistic about the whole course thus far. I pray that she would be able to be so throughout the remainder of the 4 weeks. May the other couples attending the course with her be blessed with courage, wisdom, patience and tolerance towards each other too.

Lord, still their hearts and let them listen to You and let them follow the way You want them to follow.  Pray that they can discern what You want them to do.

Amen.

Time flies

It is hard to believe that it has been more than a year since I have returned to the Catholic Church. I used to attend mass at the Church of Holy Trinity even though I belonged to the parish of Our Lady of Perpetual Succour (OLPS). This is because I knew that my husband’s aunts and uncle go to that church too. I was not ready to face them yet.

Slowly though, I started going to OLPS for it was nearer for me and the congregation is not so huge (Holy Trinity has a total of 14,000 – 18,000 parishioners). I could at least find myself a seat most of the time.  Of course, the inevitable happened and I met his aunt and uncle. It was not so bad and I was glad that there were no hard feelings.

Today, I attended mass at Holy Trinity again. I am so not an early morning person and I missed the 8.45am at OLPS. Besides, I was working the night shift at Tampines today. Just as well that I go to Holy Trinity then. They were selling fun-fair tickets again to raise funds for the new church at Pasir Ris. I remember buying tickets for the fun-fair one year ago and I ended up not going because I had to work that weekend.

Time really flies and I am in a little bit of disbelief. I did not manage to buy any fun-fair tickets today, but if I do go there again next week, I will get them.

Confused

I have been on a hiatus. I was once lost, but now I am found. Or am I? I am not sure. I am in such a state of confusion that I felt that I have dropped to rock bottom again.

The reason for this sense of loss? A Catholic man. I thought I would never, ever set eyes on one again (not because my soon-to-be ex-husband is one) but simply because I know that it is quite impossible, unless their are super ultra liberal.

If they wanted to marry me, we would not be able to get married in a Catholic Church and if we DID get married in the eyes of the civil law, we would not be able to be spiritually on par simply because I would not be able to partake in the celebration of the Eucharist (which is only right, if I did not manage to annul my marriage). I would not want that. I think ideally, I would want to serve the Lord together with my prospective partner and advance together with him spiritually, all things being equal.

The fact is, not all things are equal and it took me awhile (yet again) to grapple with this fact.

I had just gotten to know this person and it hit my faster than a bullet train when he said he was Catholic. I was happy, yet sad at the same time. It was very crazy of me because I only got to know this guy a little better even though we had been colleagues for awhile. It was only recently that we went out on group outings. I guess it was because I have

It is silly of me because our friendship had only just started and already, I am thinking about marriage? Shame on me. I had to talk, I had to let all of these thoughts, or otherwise, come out from my brains before I go crazy. Last Sunday (which was when I first found out), I sat in front of the Grotto at the Cathedral of the Good Shepherd and cried my heart out. I didn’t know what I was crying for. I wasn’t sure anymore. In the midst of all that crying, I also sms-ed my housemate. We said we would chat, but it wasn’t until yesterday that we did.

I knew what I had to do. I had to seek help. I sms-ed my very close friend who was back from the States (the one who used to go Good Friday mass with me). I wanted to talk to a priest and had hoped that she could recommend one and to accompany me. The priests she knows are mainly Redemptrists and they are not under the Archdiocese’s perview. I decided to seek help from the Family Life Society.

I have taken down their number, but as usual, I was too chicken to call. I gave myself lots of excuses. The fact that I will be leaving my job soon means lots of packing and wrapping up of things. That was one big excuse to keep myself busy and to not call up. I am clearing my leave tomorrow. I am going to call. I need some answers and I need help and I am going to find me some.

My housemate (not a Catholic) had suggested that maybe God wants me to face my issues, to go find out about the annulment, see what I can do about it. Sometimes, it seems that the cross is so heavy and yet I know that God is with me in this. He is helping me along. It is just that I wish I am able to walk out of the little circle that I keep circling around.

The tower of Babel

Recently, I met up with a friend for dinner and was talking about the film Khuda Ke Liye (also known as “In the name of God”). I was telling her how interesting the storyline was and that it was about religion, politics and such.

Then the issue of Babel came up. She did not mean to offend but she could not grasp why the all-loving God would want to create different languages to confuse His people and to cause His people to be at war with one another. She wonder why He had to punish these people who were trying to reach and worship Him.

I must admit that at that point of time, I really could not answer her questions. For one, I do not fine-read the Bible and I am more the fan of the New Testament rather than the Old Testament. I stated my ‘ignorance’ first and then proceeded to give my own interpretation of what little information she gave me.

I felt that it was because God wanted to punish them and show them that it is not so easy to reach God and get into heaven. I also felt that it could be like Eve, who had eaten the forbidden fruit. Maybe the people were not meant to build the Tower of Babel, that they should ‘do their time’ on earth and not find shortcuts to heaven.

This topic was nagging me so much that I checked it up on the Internet. I was not far wrong about God punishing His people. These people did not really build the Tower for God but to satisfy their own vanity to build something so grand. They have put self before God and therefore He came down to cause them to speak different languages. It was also stated in the Wiki article (see link) that He wanted to display His displeasure for human competition.

There can be many different ways of interpretation but to me, human competition means greed for money and fame. The more greed we have, the further we are from God.

Well, I must thank this friend of mine for asking such a question, for now, I am more keen on picking up the Bible and reading it.

Call choir master NOW!

I am posting this to remind myself that I have not made up my mind about joining my own parish’s choir group.

Erm, I was quite decided before but I gave myself lots of excuses for not calling the choir master and since it has dragged on for about two weeks, I have now come up with new excuse to not join the choir: It sings for the 6pm mass on Sunday.

This timing really jams up all other things that I would like to do on a Sunday, but on the other hand, if I look at it from another point of view, it would be a good way to wind down and get ready for work the next day.

I will call tomorrow. Really. For they are still looking for people and ‘advertising’ in the church bulletin.

I can only pray, “Lord, give me strength.”

Seeing beauty and graciousness in all things

Today, I had students from MINDS-Towner School come and visit. It was a lovely experience for even though they are from such a special school, they are still able to interact and understand what I was trying to tell them. One of the girls came up real close to smell my perfume. She was so close and she really loved to sniff and after smelling me, she would giggle and talk gibberish. Occasionally she would shake hands with me. She loved to talk when I talk.

If it were the me a few years back, I would have been quite in shock of this type of behaviour. I would not know how to react. Now though, I treasure this sort of interaction with them and I laugh along with them. They are such gentle beings that you want to shake their hands and hug them. They are so full of life that you want to emulate them and live life to the fullest too.

Driving to church had taught me patience

Did I not say that we went to the columbariums to visit our dearly departed? And that there were many jams along the way due to the many cars trying to find parking space and those that are illegally parked and contributed to the jam?

One of the many things that going to church for mass has taught me, is to have patience. When looking for a parking lot, patience. When moving off from a parking lot, patience. When waiting to receive the body of Christ, patience (and follow the queue). When waiting to leave the church, patience.

Not my dad. He could not stop talking and grumbling about how there are no parking lots and he was being really negative the whole time. My mum and I had to calm him down and tell him to be patient. Well, I suppose it is age catching up on him as well. He has become more impatient over the years and we have to learn how to accommodate him.

Visiting the tombs of the departed

Just like how the Catholics visit the tombs of the their dearly departed on All Souls’ Day, the Chinese have a similar event spanning the whole month. It is tradition mixed with Taoism, whereby incense is burnt and food is offered to the dead every year.

Traditionally when people were buried as a whole. there were tombs and we needed to cut the grass and sweep the area around the tombs. It is a sort of spring cleaning for the dead’s ‘home’.

However, due to the scarcity of land here in Singapore, mostly all the dead are cremated and put into urns. We sometimes joking say that they are now living in apartment blocks for there are a few levels and each level has got many urns, like the windows of apartment blocks.

I used to hate going for such events as the incense smarts my eyes and causes them to tear. Plus, we have to wake up super early to fight for parking and beat the crowd. I have however, come to accept that it is part of tradition and that it is out of respect for the dead and living alike (the elders) to go for such events. I do not hold incense anymore but I just give three bows.

Another reason for me penning all this down is because, I went to watch another film called “In the name of God”. It is about Islam, Jihaad, Al Qaeda and the Americans. It attempts to show both sides of the story: the good and not-so-good side of Islam and the good and not-so-good-side of the Americans. How much of it is true, I do not know. After all, it is just a film, but there was something that a character said that kind of woke me up a little.

He said that people often mix tradition up with religion and vice versa. Sometimes, we need to recognise that certain things we do is out of tradition and not a requirement of a religion. He was of course, speaking in Islamic terms.

I guess I am saying all this coz I grew up seeing some of cousins quarrelling with their parents when they converted to Christianity. They refuse to hold any incense, they refuse to visit the tombs, they refused to eat anything that had been used to pray to the departed.

I guess, to me, visiting the tombs is just out of respect. To me, it’s ok if we do not hold incense or eat or the food afterwards but being present, is enough respect.